Then he was there... in his brand new soccer gear, tearing up the grass. Suddenly, they were chasing one another like butterflies dancing across the field. Joy and laughter washed away my fears.
Within seconds, her presence was known to me. His mom was desperate to connect with one other person that had an imperfect child like her own. Still limping, hobbled by a string of unfortunate life events - I needed her in my life - a social connection - a friend. We watched them together and I could feel her angst.
An immediate bond as we were vulnerable and honest about our children's behavior:
He was bigger and stronger then her and easily out-aggressed her in his actions and behaviors. No less a match in coyness and cuteness - were her weapons of choice. Flirting for attention then rejecting or ignoring him all whilst playing the victim. She was a mastermind at human-drama - and she wasn't even six years old at the time.
Oh boy! Scratching was not allowed and immediately corrected before practice. I felt her defeat and acknowledged the social injustice of behavioral expectation of boys. "Boys get a bad wrap," I told her. "She provoked him."
Every time my girl was on yellow, her boy was on red. As a boy, he was not able to exhibit appropriate executive functioning - the ability to control oneself - when embarrassed or ashamed of his corrected behaviors. Feelings of shame would make him more aggressive. Whilst the girl was easily subdued, when corrected, and often expressed embarrassment or shame through crying. Tears often helped her to acquire affection, attention and sympathy.
There were so many emotional transactions occurring everyday in that classroom we imagined. Depending on the day and the mood and the tone of the room, these two beautiful imperfect children were the Tom and Jerry or the Heckle and Jeckle of Mrs. D's classroom. Either scheming or playing cat and mouse or just disrupting the course of "normal" ten times a day.
Naked and vulnerable we would share in learning our truth. Stars were crossed and at the same time aligned, destined to travel a road of insecurities, imperfections, and broken lives together. We shared so many tears in separate universes - now, together we were stronger.
Playing, sharing, and kindness to one another. Connected through strong bonds with one another. Special people, feeling the world and learning how to interpret, sense, and produce the appropriate response despite being limited by the external expectations of "normal" and...
...our children seem to be following our examples.
Dedicated to abnormal people behaving badly...
Healing begins with finding your truth... beyond the visceral reaction and deep in our social connections to others you will find your truth as it is reflected to you in others... a guiding light for how we behave toward one another.
Be kind to one another, work hard at maintaining your positive connections with others, and love without conditions.
